balls. full balls. balls full of semen

mika says:
"so human as i am
i had to give up my defenses"
| say
so human as i am
i had to put on my defenses

ball of semen number 1:
i am waiting for you
your strenth
the smell of used underware
the smell of no underware
your manly flesh against my jelly flesh
the smell of your yellowish mouth
your semi liquid saliva drying on my disgusted skin

ball of semen number 2:
your quest for the aesthetic
(johnny quest)
the visual
the detail
the beautiful
the artistic
the genius
the seductive
all of the above
concentrated in one breath
in a pair of legs
in the way SHE moves
and talks
and i am not a she
i am not a woman

then there were balls full of semen numbers 3 and 4 and 5 and 6 and 7 and

but first there was my first MENstruation
my body telling me it was ready
the explosion of my first cell
and the flows of red fluid it brought with it
on my thighs
on my pants and jacket
on the desk at school
it payed me the initiating visit at nine
it found me unworthy of the explosion
it did not like me
and did not come back for years
i longed and waited and hoped
i was too green to be red
and too green not to yearn for the red

and the red came back
and the red mocked at me
for the red still did not find me worthy
the red did not think i was a woman
the red took me for a mock-woman
and a mock-woman i became

the red still visits me
and paints my insides and my outsides red

but my body is an offense to womanhood
and unnerved by my body,
the red feminine goddess unnerves me
and takes her revenge on me

"they might touch your brain
they might kiss your thoughts
and enjoy your words
but your body they will never want
be they brothers or sisters"

the cold curse of the goddess who did not find me worty at nine
who still does not find me worthy